2010 – March 4 (I’m grateful I didn’t choke)

  • Ok, moving on… Today, I’m grateful I didn’t choke on a face-full of krill.
  • I did the math: Everyone just please delete 393,004 tweets and I’m in there with my “George Harrison + Conan O’Brien tweet.”
  • The 10 billion+1 tweet is: “$Pretty N Paid$”? WTF… I love it! I will have it tattooed on my ass!
  • Just kidding… Justin Bieber!
  • Where are we at with tweet number 10 billion? I’m running out of tweets… and beer!
  • Who the fuck is George Harrison? Tweet number 10 billion? No? Good! I was just kidding… I know he lives in Conan O’Brien’s basement.
  • I guess, “Mom’s secret to whitening teeth” scam would be ruined, once and for all, if it ends up being tweet number 10 billion… Don’t RT!
  • If I get the 10-billion tweet: “I want Conan O’Brien to eat fries out the crack of my ass!” Would love to hear that line on CNN… RT! :-)
  • Why isn’t Survivor blurring out Rupert’s tits too? I shouldn’t need to have my kids ask me if I’m hiding a bunny in my pants when he’s on.
  • Whenever life and lack of gold stars bring me down, I take comfort in a recent picture of Lindsay Lohan on meth.
  • Looking back to grade one: My spelling and grammar has not improved, and the gold stars are few and far in-between. Crying on the inside…
  • You know you are drinking a cheap wine, when you get cork stuck in your straw even though the wine came in a box.
  • My wife will be home in 2 hours… How do you stitch a hole, fix the fangs, and get stains out of a Polar bear hide? Please, anyone?
  • Right now: Trying to convince my wife that we should convert to Judaism so that we don’t need to eat her mother’s clam chowder for lunch.
  • Rumour has it that Jay Leno will start tweeting for real, and that Conan O’Brien will be moved to MySpace.
  • Southern Comfort is used for cocktails such as Red Death, A Piece of Ass and Crash & Burn, and for fixing garage floor grease stains.
  • ‘The ladies on the bus ate 23 bananas and the driver ate 2; how many angels had their wings ripped clean off?’ Fifth grade math is hard!
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