- Syphilis of the brain is the in thing to be at - yo! Pass it on…
- Sorry! Yes, I’m the monkey on @ConanOBrien’s back.. My job is to fix his hair and to remind him to randomly clap his hands when talking.
- Tiger Woods: Please, please, please screw another waitress! J-ustin Bieber fans are like locust… Tiger, we need you, man. Save us!
- Conan O’Brien should now randomly unfollow someone. He has to keep people guessing, or it will all get too stale and predictable – again…
- Waking up as a woman would be problematic. How do you take care of the vagina? Where do you find a douchebag? Who reaches for things?
- According to my wife, I have a “man cold”. She has taken the kids to WalMart, and I’m home alone, naked from the waist-down, I win – again!
- I wonder who the crazy fuckers are that get remarried? Fool me once…
- And seriously… only people with herpes wear “Kiss Me I’m Irish!” hats, and really mean it.
- I hate St. Patrick’s Day and spontaneous hugs from hobos who proudly sport their gangrene.
- Few people outside Canada know that a beaver on a beaver is called a field mouse.
- Working on a Ford ad: (1) Horrible stench. (2) Deadly design. (3) Inferior craftsmanship. (4) Electrical malfunctions. (5) Nice breaks.
- Kirstie, that wasn’t meant to be a ‘fat joke’. Heck, some people can’t even get in to the ball pit! Please graze elsewhere. That’s all.
- Took the kids to McDonald’s. One word: pandemonium. The ball pit was empty! The kids were crying and Kirstie Alley was panting in a corner.
- Rough sex is when your butt looks like tie-dyed t-shirt in the morning.
- I love my pet goat Pedro, and he loves me. We are now going to bed… no, sleep!
- Just imagine it… Putting blueberry lip gloss on Sarah Palin while she is tied to a tree, in bear country.
- Suspicious: “Could you please help me look for my dog? It’s a white poodle and she answers to the name “Please God! Oh, no! Nooo! Ahhh!’”
- Do you remember that special perfume he bought you for Valentine’s Day? Yes, that’s what his ex-girlfriend smells like…
- Shitty music, while getting laid in a rusty old Ford Escort, with a Garfield plush toy stuck to the back window. The 80s… Good times!
- Help! Twitter veterans: Is it true that after you send someone 10 DMs, you are also obliged to email them a picture of your penis?
- Make sure you have had your rabies shots when asking a Canadian girl to show you her beaver.
- I love d-cups, filled to the brim with cake!
- Lady GaGa went blonde because she was often mistaken for Amy Winehouse. This is odd because people confuse Amy for a giant, scabby, pigeon.
- De glass wuz haf-ful… Naow iz emptiii… Looove u soo vry mutch… Loook! Gluee!
