2010 – March 6 (Syphilis of the brain)

  • Syphilis of the brain is the in thing to be at - yo! Pass it on…
  • Sorry! Yes, I’m the monkey on @ConanOBrien’s back.. My job is to fix his hair and to remind him to randomly clap his hands when talking.
  • Tiger Woods: Please, please, please screw another waitress! J-ustin Bieber fans are like locust… Tiger, we need you, man. Save us!
  • Conan O’Brien should now randomly unfollow someone. He has to keep people guessing, or it will all get too stale and predictable – again…
  • Waking up as a woman would be problematic. How do you take care of the vagina? Where do you find a douchebag? Who reaches for things?
  • According to my wife, I have a “man cold”. She has taken the kids to WalMart, and I’m home alone, naked from the waist-down, I win – again!
  • I wonder who the crazy fuckers are that get remarried? Fool me once…
  • And seriously… only people with herpes wear “Kiss Me I’m Irish!” hats, and really mean it.
  • I hate St. Patrick’s Day and spontaneous hugs from hobos who proudly sport their gangrene.
  • Few people outside Canada know that a beaver on a beaver is called a field mouse.
  • Working on a Ford ad: (1) Horrible stench. (2) Deadly design. (3) Inferior craftsmanship. (4) Electrical malfunctions. (5) Nice breaks.
  • Kirstie, that wasn’t meant to be a ‘fat joke’. Heck, some people can’t even get in to the ball pit! Please graze elsewhere. That’s all.
  • Took the kids to McDonald’s. One word: pandemonium. The ball pit was empty! The kids were crying and Kirstie Alley was panting in a corner.
  • Rough sex is when your butt looks like tie-dyed t-shirt in the morning.
  • I love my pet goat Pedro, and he loves me. We are now going to bed… no, sleep!
  • Just imagine it… Putting blueberry lip gloss on Sarah Palin while she is tied to a tree, in bear country.
  • Suspicious: “Could you please help me look for my dog? It’s a white poodle and she answers to the name “Please God! Oh, no! Nooo! Ahhh!’”
  • Do you remember that special perfume he bought you for Valentine’s Day? Yes, that’s what his ex-girlfriend smells like…
  • Shitty music, while getting laid in a rusty old Ford Escort, with a Garfield plush toy stuck to the back window. The 80s… Good times!
  • Help! Twitter veterans: Is it true that after you send someone 10 DMs, you are also obliged to email them a picture of your penis?
  • Make sure you have had your rabies shots when asking a Canadian girl to show you her beaver.
  • I love d-cups, filled to the brim with cake!
  • Lady GaGa went blonde because she was often mistaken for Amy Winehouse. This is odd because people confuse Amy for a giant, scabby, pigeon.
  • De glass wuz haf-ful… Naow iz emptiii… Looove u soo vry mutch… Loook! Gluee!
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