2010 – March 9 (When you have a new girlfriend)

  • Nothing is louder than the dog cleaning his balls, when you have a new girlfriend over at your place for the first time.
  • You know you are getting old when you start finding both puzzles and bowel movement challenging and stimulating.
  • Age 12, dance with a groping aunt at a wedding… I often wonder if it was my fake moustache or her Tequila drip that made me irresistible.
  • Hate St. Patrick’s Day in Montreal. After the parade, streets are littered with wheelchairs, prosthetic legs, jig shoes and fake moustaches.
  • Crazy lady on the bus, you don’t need to wear a KFC promo t-shirt, I can tell you are fan because you sweat chicken broth.
  • Bacon is cheaper than paying a shrink and buying antidepressants.
  • I admit to checking out Bieber tweets occasionally, just to make sure my spell checker is still working.
  • I’m tired! What to do before hitting the sack – linear algebra or beat off to Oprah’s speech at the Oscars? Hmmm…
  • Fresh batteries in their electrical dog collars, or cover the kids in lard and beat them with a stick? Oh, parenting choices…
  • I tear a knee and leave half-a-toe on the stairs. She says “birth canal!” I say “Ok, hun, I’ll try to keep it down, please, call, ambul…”
  • A visit to Taco Bell would be more enjoyable if they had Lysol bathroom spray in the stalls, and actual food.
  • My 10-year-old is torturing the violin. My 12-year-old is failing math. Yes, I should have adopted the idea of a vasectomy a long time ago.
  • Fry bacon… Fry tofu in bacon grease… Eat… Cry… Lick the frying pan… Wake up the whole neighbourhood.
  • I vote ‘put to death’ for the first person that uses Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter for his or her avatar.
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