- Nothing is louder than the dog cleaning his balls, when you have a new girlfriend over at your place for the first time.
- You know you are getting old when you start finding both puzzles and bowel movement challenging and stimulating.
- Age 12, dance with a groping aunt at a wedding… I often wonder if it was my fake moustache or her Tequila drip that made me irresistible.
- Hate St. Patrick’s Day in Montreal. After the parade, streets are littered with wheelchairs, prosthetic legs, jig shoes and fake moustaches.
- Crazy lady on the bus, you don’t need to wear a KFC promo t-shirt, I can tell you are fan because you sweat chicken broth.
- Bacon is cheaper than paying a shrink and buying antidepressants.
- I admit to checking out Bieber tweets occasionally, just to make sure my spell checker is still working.
- I’m tired! What to do before hitting the sack – linear algebra or beat off to Oprah’s speech at the Oscars? Hmmm…
- Fresh batteries in their electrical dog collars, or cover the kids in lard and beat them with a stick? Oh, parenting choices…
- I tear a knee and leave half-a-toe on the stairs. She says “birth canal!” I say “Ok, hun, I’ll try to keep it down, please, call, ambul…”
- A visit to Taco Bell would be more enjoyable if they had Lysol bathroom spray in the stalls, and actual food.
- My 10-year-old is torturing the violin. My 12-year-old is failing math. Yes, I should have adopted the idea of a vasectomy a long time ago.
- Fry bacon… Fry tofu in bacon grease… Eat… Cry… Lick the frying pan… Wake up the whole neighbourhood.
- I vote ‘put to death’ for the first person that uses Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter for his or her avatar.
