- My Favstar 99-star tweet: Who do I need to finger? Yes, it involves necrophilia, golden showers, felching and beastiality… No pressure!
- “A little less conversation, a little more suction, please” is what I was thinking. Instead, “You’re tired; have a nap.” WTF just happened?”
- Don’t let your kid play with soap and bubbles at home, especially when he pronounces ‘bubbles’ as ‘buttholes’ Trust me! It’s not worth it.
- Dudes, by a show of hands: How many of you have stood at a urinal, sneezed, and peed all over your shoes? Yeah, no, me neither.
- Seeing how it all played out, it would have been wiser to teach my 4-year-old how to tie his shoelaces than juggle with steak knives.
- I wore mascara all day and my wife didn’t notice until I started crying while during the dishes.
