- If I read another volcano joke, I’m going to Eyjafjallajökull all over myself.
- The lights in our aquariums are on timers, but sometimes I turn them on early just to remind the minions who is God!
- Likely scenario for tonight: beer, beer, twitter, beer, twitter, beer, try on my wife’s bra and be told to sleep on the couch, and beer.
- Do you have to own a gun to be part of the NRA or is it ok to join just for bake sales?
- Idea: Kleenex® boxes printed with images of vaginas instead of floral patterns… Marketing 101: Create a problem and supply the solution.
- I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear a dude say, “Lovely young lady”, he immediately registers as a blip on my perv radar.
- When I was younger, I had to imagine someone whipping horses to prolong sex, now I have to imagine someone whipping me to finish.
- I helped a lady at Walmart choose a gallon of soap over a lawn ornament. You are welcome!
- My son is sick today, but he looks very rosy-cheeks Rockwellian. I would put in on canvas if I was sure he wouldn’t eat the paints again.
- When ordering pizza, I always ask how much they charge to have someone spit on it. If the say, “We can’t do that, sir.” Safe to order!
- Love means never having to say you’re sorry for putting a dent on the car.
- Why can’t they take care of the oil spill by just dipping Antonio Banderas head first in to the gulf?
- Do you have any idea how difficult it is to Google an image of a camel toe belonging to an actual camel, to get off too?
