- Okay, I’m too drunk for Twitter. I’m baking a banana bread and hitting the freebie poker tables. Good night!
- #HellWillFreezeOver and polar bears will crap on your front lawn.
- Hey! Nice beard, Osama! #4WordsBeforeDeath
- I think my most brilliant drunken tweets go un-starred because all my followers are stoners.
- Whenever I can, I bite the neck off a helium balloon, inhale, and yell, “Cirque du Soleil!” at the top of my lunges. It cracks me up.
- Crap! I forgot to feed the fish today. Yes, I could flick a switch and feed them right now but I won’t… You have to show them who is boss!
- You know it’s a nice summer day when you accidentally pee on your feet and it feels cool.
- If you gush, you take the bison hide to the dry cleaner; I’m old-fashioned that way. (Tweet recycling – I learned that from the Bible.)
- Why did the squirrel cross the road? Why, oh God, why? I split an eardrum. I almost drove off the road. The kids are still crying.
- Women are so beautiful in the summertime. Radiant or sweaty… doesn’t matter. It’s a wonderful time to camp out in your neighbours’ trees.
