- I’m officially out of beer! Now drinking Mojitos without lime, mint leaves, club soda, sugar, ice and a glass. It’s not too bad!
- I finally got my 5-year-old in bed! He’s so adorable in the way he just lies there with his Elmo night light sparkling in all the duct tape.
- My son is playing Mario Party 8 and talking to the characters… Had it been me at his age, with Lego, my dad would have hit me with a shoe.
- You know you are really married, when she says, “fuck meee!” during sex, and you simply ignore it because you know she’s watching CNN.
- Wife and girls will be at the Justin Bieber concert tonight. I can’t go because I accidentally shot myself with the nail gun – 18 fuckin’ times!
- TSA airport pat-downs feel almost romantic compared to what is done to people by off-season carnies living in Walmart camping aisles.
- Warning! Hiding the back-up of your ginger midget porn on the family laptop, under a folder named Dumbledore, has been compromised. Warning!
