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- Wood! Done. Oh, wood! So, sorry… Wood! Done. Bad news… I just heard that my grandma died in a car acci – wood! TweetYour16YearOldSelf
- For Tweetups, I bring letters signed by my ex-girlfriends attesting that I’m not a nut job. Also, blood, urine and stool samples. Ladies?
- I scored great pills by telling my doctor that I have a reoccurring dream where I travel the world in Tom Selleck’s moustache. Try it…
- DeVito-sizing: Sending the wife towel shopping so I can stay in bed all day, drink Limoncello and masturbate to pictures of farm animals.