- I have read in tweets that some of you keep “joke books”. That’s Bibles, right? Yeah… no… I don’t bother with those.
- I could have a sing-o-gram, dressed as a centaur, at my door, in the rain, within the hour. That’s sweet, sweet, power! Actually… brb.
- Tonight, I humiliated my 5-year-old in NHL Slapshot for Wii after I removed the batteries from his controller. I also took him for $50.00!
- Trading: Unopened 72-oz tub of Vaseline, lovingly bought on our honeymoon in Spain, for a picture of a naked Angelina Jolie riding unicycle.
- “Dad, can I have a sleepover with my cheerleading friends on Friday? Dad? Please? Dad? Mommy! Dad broke his wrist trying to high-five God!”
- Are you awake? You are welcome! Get me beer. Kids are crying. Where’s the remote? Go to sleep! Are you awake? Get me beer. #24WordsAfterSex
