- Hockey - Enough is enough… No more lucky Loonies buried at center ice! (God knows they will be needed to pay for the event…) The only way Canada will win the hockey gold again is to bury Wayne Gretzky in the ice instead.
- Snowboarding - Come one! Canada has more acreage than most European countries combined… Surely Canada can produce enough pot to keep a few skinny snowboarders high long enough to clean up most (if not all) medals?
- Speed skating - New rule! After each completed lap, the skaters have to chug a beer and knit a toque.
- Bobsled/Luge/Skeleton - These sports need to be made more challenging! Start the clock: the competitors have to build their own sled out of potatoes before taking it down the run… Half the population of Prince Edward Island could medal at these new and improved events!
- Biathlon - Skiing and shooting black dots is for sissies… Two more stations should be added where the skiers need to bathe and shampoo Grizzly bears, which have been covered in Maple syrup and poutine.
