2011 – April 12 (Dead under the floor boards)

  • My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
  • Design (n.). To conceive brilliance… Then asked to change it to make it look like a dim-witted aunt’s idea. Repeat until you fucking die.
  • It’s easy to tell if your wife faked her orgasm because she will get up and add some tedious shit on your ‘to-do’ list after you pass out.
  • Wife: “Would you remarry if I passed away?” Wrong: “Yes.” Wrong: “No.” Correct: “Hold that though… Here’s a joint. I need to take a dump.”
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