- Ladies who won’t star my creepy tweets – it’s ok, I respect that. Oh, and I also add your profile pics to letters I send to prison inmates.
- What I find disturbing about porn is the lack of kisses, cuddles, high-fives, beer and chicken wings after the act of successful copulation.
- Unless messed up in my teens… All English teachers smell like Froot Loops and their boobs stand straight out, even for the bearded ones.
- Dudes cruising… shirtless… blasting Maroon Fucking 5 on the car stereo… in your mom’s dented Honda Civics… It’s not making me horny!
- The hipster on our street just won’t stop bitching and moaning about everything my kids do to try to make him climb in to the wood chipper.
- Tip! Yes, truck stop bathrooms are gross… Next time, offer to take a dump on a trucker’s chest for a quick twenty. You are welcome!
- Wife said I can’t go out for chicken wings because I have to wash the downstairs bathtub of stuff that looks like old tiger blood.#Whining
