- My neighbour stumbled out and rubbed my back while I took a dump in his herb garden. Of all Mondays, today’s easily ranks in the top three!
- Even if you have to yank a suckling baby off your teat, I hope you to take a moment to have a shot of vodka with me. Ahhhhhhh… All better!
- I’m one of ‘those’ creeps in night clubs because it takes me hours of staring to figure out if a woman bakes a decent banana bread or not.
- If a video ever surfaces of me in a perm and white shoes, air guitaring Simple Minds, I will have to commit twittercide or kill all of you.
- I easily choke back 48 pieces of sushi in one sitting, as an appetizer… Ladies? I can’t get the lawnmower started… Guys? #BiTweet
- Almost tweeted something uplifting and inspirational, but figured you were too drunk or stoned to get it so, I decided to save it for never.
- 29/04/11 – 11 a.m. Kate Middleton marries Prince William. Two minutes later, millions Photoshop her face on a picture of Jenna Jameson.
- I’ve been married for so long that I don’t even bother with foot or back rubs… I just tune in to the Food Network when I need to get off.
- Facebook – Crazy folks drowning kids while playing Farmville. Twitter – High people starring tweets while bathing candelabras. Crazy is sad.
- Love the service at the Ford dealer when I get towed a second time in a week because of an electrical problem, when I wave my shank around.
