2011 – April 22 (Heresy is a lot of work)

  • I’ll call this my 10th consecutive Jesus tweet for my Twitter “Earmarked For Hell” gold badge… Heresy is a lot of work too – need a beer.
  • My wife always calls out for Jesus when I stumble upon on her clitoris, which I find offensive because it was me who freakin’ found it.
  • Only Jesus watches and knows that after the shower I just took, I have the cleanest butthole north of Utah, and that really creeps me out.
  • Wife’s Catholic… It takes me a 23.2-second sensual back rub with my warm, soft hands to make her do what ever I want. Your move, Jesus!
  • Tip for virgins: The holy water is not getting the girls wet at Jesus Camp? Try Peach Schnapps… You are a welcome!
  • Woooah! Twitter really slowed down… I guess, half of you went to church, and the other to see your dealer. Jesus! Plan ahead people!
  • Sorry new followers… Trying to unlock Twitter’s “Earmarked For Hell” gold badge with 10 consecutive heretic Jesus tweets – Zing! Number 4.
  • The closest I have ever come to being crucified was last year, when high on 4/20, while trying to figure out how the nail gun works.
  • Wasn’t only Good Friday that was a blessing when I was a teenager. Every morning featured a raging hard-on, often because of Smurf cartoons.
  • Earth Day, Good Friday, and Handjob’s Eve fall on the same date this year. Observing them by skipping the shower and praying for a handjob.
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