2011 – April 7 (Fart in the face)

  • When asked if I would like a soon-to-expire-apple-pie, I drive up to window number 2 and fart in the face of whoever sticks their head out.
  • Got an email from a hot Russian woman asking me if I want to buy her panties. Reply, “Is your name Olga?” Yes! “Fucked you in Oslo… No!”
  • You delete a tweet so people won’t see your dumb-ass typo, you fix that one, and introduce a new one so dumb you have to cut yourself? That!
  • I paid my daughter $1.00/minute to ice the puppies neutered scrotum because her way of saying “Ewww!” is funny as hell – wish you were here!
  • I like Tina Fey… but I think I would start worshipping her if she was pregnant with a kitten that Jennifer Aniston could adopt.
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