- When asked if I would like a soon-to-expire-apple-pie, I drive up to window number 2 and fart in the face of whoever sticks their head out.
- Got an email from a hot Russian woman asking me if I want to buy her panties. Reply, “Is your name Olga?” Yes! “Fucked you in Oslo… No!”
- You delete a tweet so people won’t see your dumb-ass typo, you fix that one, and introduce a new one so dumb you have to cut yourself? That!
- I paid my daughter $1.00/minute to ice the puppies neutered scrotum because her way of saying “Ewww!” is funny as hell – wish you were here!
- I like Tina Fey… but I think I would start worshipping her if she was pregnant with a kitten that Jennifer Aniston could adopt.
