2011 – August 21 (Freakishly handsome friend)

  • You have pneumonia and then a freakishly handsome friend steals all your thunder by falling 18 feet on to his back. I know! What an asshole!
  • Star this if you think a monkey with a nipple piercing would be super hot! Please, don’t star if you think a clip-on works just as well.
  • A few days ago – personal record in fever – almost 105! Since then, I can’t get it up unless I think of rainbow ponies frolicking in my bed.
  • Ever wake up drunk and screaming at 5am and logged on to make sure you didn’t accidentally star any concentration camp jokes? Me neither.
  • If I would have spent as much time bench-pressing stuff in my teens, as I did on mixed-tapes, I would not be sleeping on the couch tonight.
  • One thing is for damn sure, you are not a husband until you have burned your balls on your wife’s knock-off Tiffany lamp.
  • Ladies, when wearing a tank top and I see your shock-pink bra strap turning fuchsia near your pits, I always think: Wow! I wish I was gay.
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