2011 – August 25 (Grabbed her baby’s head)

  • “Yeah, like I would have reached into her grocery cart and grabbed her baby’s head unless I thought it was a succulent cantaloupe, officer.”
  • My dream is to one day write a tweet so brilliant that you all star it AND mail me intimate pieces of clothing, or DM me Mafia Wars invites.
  • Science fact: The main problem with hibernated space travel is the hairy guy who always volunteers to stay awake to check your vitals.
  • I’m not a genius… But if I were a woman choosing a man for a moustache ride, I would go for the guy with cauliflower ears.
  • Beerhaze Beerhaze
  • Oh… BRB! The dog just threw up in the kitchen.
  • Beerhaze Beerhaze
  • Holy smokes! My wife is coming back downstairs! BRB! Need to look sexy…
  • Wedding anniversary… The holiest and filthiest of nights – wife and Favstar both ’502 Bad Gateway’ my night. You killed Santa too, right?
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