- “Yeah, like I would have reached into her grocery cart and grabbed her baby’s head unless I thought it was a succulent cantaloupe, officer.”
- My dream is to one day write a tweet so brilliant that you all star it AND mail me intimate pieces of clothing, or DM me Mafia Wars invites.
- Science fact: The main problem with hibernated space travel is the hairy guy who always volunteers to stay awake to check your vitals.
- I’m not a genius… But if I were a woman choosing a man for a moustache ride, I would go for the guy with cauliflower ears.
- Beerhaze Beerhaze
- Oh… BRB! The dog just threw up in the kitchen.
- Beerhaze Beerhaze
- Holy smokes! My wife is coming back downstairs! BRB! Need to look sexy…
- Wedding anniversary… The holiest and filthiest of nights – wife and Favstar both ’502 Bad Gateway’ my night. You killed Santa too, right?
