- Stock markets are up today… Damn you, Wall Street! Yesterday, I turned my entire stock portfolio into 8 pounds of Polish sausages.
- Sex is so much safer nowadays. In fact, I haven’t contracted a venereal disease since nasty women started sporting facial tattoos.
- Mike called from Bahamas: “On a show. 30 seconds. TV Seinfeld’s ex-girlfriend – Martha or Elaine?” Me: “Martha!” Because Mike is an asshole.
- I was generous because the hobo asking for spare change was well-spoken and had blocks of what was probably Play-Doh strapped to his torso.
