2011 – August 9 (My entire stock portfolio)

  • Stock markets are up today… Damn you, Wall Street! Yesterday, I turned my entire stock portfolio into 8 pounds of Polish sausages.
  • Sex is so much safer nowadays. In fact, I haven’t contracted a venereal disease since nasty women started sporting facial tattoos.
  • Mike called from Bahamas: “On a show. 30 seconds. TV Seinfeld’s ex-girlfriend – Martha or Elaine?” Me: “Martha!” Because Mike is an asshole.
  • I was generous because the hobo asking for spare change was well-spoken and had blocks of what was probably Play-Doh strapped to his torso.
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