- Blah! Cameron Diaz is so much prettier with Ben Stiller’s cum in her hair. #Oscars
- Shut up! I’m cool… I’m only watching the #Oscars because I’m getting drunk and Renée Zellweger is supposed to fly in on her broomstick.
- #Oscars… Whenever Billy Crystal goes cross-eyed reading a teleprompter – I’ll have a shot, think of you and touch myself inappropriately.
- When my dog wants something from me, he just sits down and tilts his head. If my wife did the same, I would get a crazy amount of shit done.
