- We didn’t win a thing at bingo. My 5-year-old cried all the way home, sobbing that God hates him. Nah, not true, he didn’t… It was me.
- Oh! and if we win the fuckin’ Monster Gym membership – the first one to stars this tweet can have it.
- Going to our 5-year-old’s school bingo now… If we win the blow-up mattress or the scented candles, I’ll raffle them off in this tweet.
- I’m still learning to pee standing up, so I need to drive over to our McDonald’s real quick – back in a bit!
- The Egypt jokes have to end! Not funny! Been there… They are warm, generous and polite people. You cut the porn in Canada – same result!
- Genuine tears of joy: Seeing your firstborn or a Ferrari with a dented driver’s side door.
- I once gave Sarah Palin a warm oil scalp massage before we went hunting for werewolves – my favourite false memory… And it’s all mine!
- Yes, I know how to find the vagina on a spider… Thanks, National Geographic! That will come in handy tonight.
- Wife’s out of town and I’m taking our boy to school bingo tonight. No bar. No knee-high boots. No sideboobs. Yeah, fucking bingo tonight.
