2011 – July 12 (Rode Ronald McDonald like I crazed Mongol)

  • I held on to his ears and rode Ronald McDonald like I crazed Mongol, and made all the moms at our local McDonald’s smile when I was tasered.
  • ‘Tampon-plug-thingies’ are selfish and against nature… Ladies, just let the demon inside of you go. Your dude will love your for it.
  • My dream lady can do the splits without spilling a drop of the 8 ounces of Jägermeister she’s holding in her belly button.
  • Ladies, when your date hits the bathroom for the fifth time, I’m the helpful guy that comes to reassure you that it’s not coke but diarrhea.
  • Technology… My daughter’s Madeline doll normally says, “Let’s go to Paris! Yay!” but when I’m stoned she says, “Let’s eat your eyes. Yay!”
  • I wonder how the manufacturers make any money when you can go to any given yard sale and buy a nice breast pump for two bucks?
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