2011 – June 23 (Please bring a stool sample)

  • “Could you please bring a stool sample?” = $145 at the vet! “Can I have your dog shit in a margarine container?” = Free at the bus stop!
  • Posting a disgusting tweet once in a while weeds out the Bieber fans and priests that shouldn’t have been following you in the first place.
  • Need pointers! Dudes, this “ass to mouth” thing… Getting it in my ass I can do, with some finagling, but how do you stretch your necks?
  • Acoustic guitar is hard! Thinking about going electric and try Heavy Metal, but using only chords that involve the middle finger.
  • I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as ‘Your Highness’ and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.
  • When my daughter has boys over at our house, I always show them how I easily juggle two ping-pong balls… before crushing them in my fist.
  • My daughter was at the amusement park today. She wrote on Facebook that she has ‘vertigo’… That’s not code for ‘pregnant’, right?
Share
This entry was posted in Tweets. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

* Copy This Password *

* Type Or Paste Password Here *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>