2011 – June 23 (Please bring a stool sample)

  • “Could you please bring a stool sample?” = $145 at the vet! “Can I have your dog shit in a margarine container?” = Free at the bus stop!
  • Posting a disgusting tweet once in a while weeds out the Bieber fans and priests that shouldn’t have been following you in the first place.
  • Need pointers! Dudes, this “ass to mouth” thing… Getting it in my ass I can do, with some finagling, but how do you stretch your necks?
  • Acoustic guitar is hard! Thinking about going electric and try Heavy Metal, but using only chords that involve the middle finger.
  • I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as ‘Your Highness’ and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.
  • When my daughter has boys over at our house, I always show them how I easily juggle two ping-pong balls… before crushing them in my fist.
  • My daughter was at the amusement park today. She wrote on Facebook that she has ‘vertigo’… That’s not code for ‘pregnant’, right?
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