2011 – June 9 (My wife has never had the energy)

  • I wouldn’t say I’m an “amazing” lover but my wife has never had the energy to look for German fetish porn on my computer.
  • When I can see clean through your stretched earlobes, I can see that you are a fucking idiot.
  • Yes, my dog purrs like a cat when you pet him. Yes, I know it’s cute… I trained him to do that when you haven’t been laid in months.
  • Seriously, only witches and warlocks can open cereal boxes without getting pissed off and ripping the whole goddamn top off, right?
  • When I was younger, social media was wasting a whole damn Polaroid cartridge on ONE decent dick shot that you could pass around in the pub.
  • “Daddy, can you buy me a dagger?” What for? “It’s a surprise!” He heh! You want to hurt me? “Can I have ice cream?” And that’s why I drink.
  • Tip! When neighbours invite you over for “Raclette”, don’t assume you should wear a glow-in-the-dark strap-on and bring a ping-pong paddle.
  • This lap-dancing/grinding thing doesn’t make any sense! Guys that know about Walmart’s monthly canned goods sale still pay for that? Creepy!
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