- I would have sex with Anderson Cooper if were on a rogue burning oil tanker on a collision course with a church in Utah. Unbelievably hot!
- Dear Best Buy, I will stop shoplifting printer ink when it costs less than weapons-grade plutonium. Thank you for your understanding.
- Donald Trump’s creepy son on The Apprentice looks like something cloned from the bottom Kleenex in the garbage can.
- Twitter is 5 years old? With all the coked up ramblings of egomaniac celebrities, it really feels like 1.2 billion years.
- When my ego swells, I walk in to a random mall elevator and tell dick jokes… or I try to post something meaningful on Twitter. It works!
- I’m back! Yeah, a St. Patrick’s party got out of hand… No “biggie” but the cops still didn’t like my dick on the hood of their patrol car.
