2011 – March 25 (Abducted by aliens)

  • If you get abducted by aliens and hear Eminem music in the background… You have been roofied.
  • If I had tits, I would leave the house all the time for free beers down at the pub.
  • When Jennifer Aniston finally buys her baby, I’m sure the words ‘sad’, ‘desperate’ and ’35% off’ won’t be part of her public announcement.
  • For this year’s Earth Day, I plan to unplug the freezer and compost my daughter’s asshole ex-boyfriend.
  • Favourite lesbian fantasy? I’m a romantic… Love seeing tears, hugs and kisses before the glow-in-the-dark elephant-sized dildo comes out.
  • If you leave the side window ajar on your $140,000 Mercedes-Benz, I simply assume you want me to put my bag of dog shit in there. Prick!
  • My wedding day is a complete blur. Really, I don’t remember a thing after the priest said, “Do you Beerhaze take..” while cupping my balls.
  • I hate hearing the words: ‘I’, ‘lust’, ‘for’, ‘your’ and ‘crab cakes’ in the same sentence.
  • When your wife says: “Dig a hole and plant the tree!” Right: “We don’t need trees.” Wrong: “I can’t remember where I buried the hooker!”
  • Hey folks! Right now, I’m watching two squirrels scissoring. Yes, I know, it should be creepy but it’s really Hot!
  • Childbirth is less painful than hearing a fart from the guy next to you when you are mid-stream at the urinals.
  • I have a compilation of all the nosebleeds that happened on Beverly Hills, 90210 for when I need to get off quickly.
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