- A priest showed up at the door. Wrong house. Scared the hell out of me. Or off… Or whatever it’s called when your hooves and tail retract.
- Daughter made the honour roll. Wife is ‘surprised’. If she knew how often I dropped our baby girl on her head, she would be ‘shocked’.
- I couldn’t eat the whole seafood pizza out of guilt for disappointing my wife… LOLJK! It was too salty from her tears.
- My wife is bringing pizza from my favourite wood-burning joint because she thinks I spent all morning plastering. You better enjoy my stars!
