2011 – March 7 (Syphilis of the brain)

  • Having syphilis of the brain would make my Twitter experience less stressful when it comes to spelling, grammar and making sense.
  • I bet Jesus was awesome in bed for a short, hairy son of God guy.
  • I haven’t turned my wife on in a while – busy painting the house, but I did turn on her vibrator and stripped the ceilings. So there’s that.
  • ‘Spiked lawn darts’ and the slow kid who threw them up in the air, hoping to catch one with his head? Yeah, Charlie Sheen has caught a few.
  • Ladies, I can relate to the amazing joy of slipping on $600 shoes because this weekend I peed in a urinal filled with lemon ice. Worth it!
  • Tip! ‘June1974′ is a date, not the name of the turkey, which your mother in-law found in the bottom of her freezer. Don’t eat it!
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