- If I was as cute and convincing as my 6-year-old when he lies about wiping after Taco dinner – I could have any woman on the planet!
- My dog just threw up half-a-unchewed hot dog. It’s so gross… especially, as we haven’t had any hot dogs in the house since last summer.
- If I wouldn’t have spent all that money on porn in my teens, I could have hired Kirstie Alley to be the piñata at my son’s birthday party.
- The Mating Habits of Bears on National Geographic, narrated by freakin’ Morgan Freeman! Wife didn’t even notice me slipping her panties off.
- My son turned 6 yesterday. I’m so proud! Top grades in everything but “fine motor skills”, which is odd because he shoplifts like a pro.
- Red Lobster at home: (1) Boil up water. (2) Drop in lobster for 13 minutes. (3) Plate with rice. (4) Spit on it. (5) Cover with parsley.
