- Met the cutest chick in the park. I could so have banged her after I stepped in shit from her dog. But I’m married – playing Wii instead.
- I could probably pull off a waltz or a foxtrot… It’s the hip-hop and rap in blindingly white shoes I can’t do since “teenagering” the 1980s.
- When you hit the bars tonight, I’ll be on the toilet due to four servings of calamari at an early bird special with the in-laws. #Whining
- I just spent $54 online on 3 frisbees for the dog. If I wasn’t going to hell for the 3 ‘your mom’ jokes, the frisbees should do it.
- I swear, one day, I will accidentally give my Tweet of the Day trophy thing for a concentration camp joke, and will have to kill myself.
