- Titties without succulent nipples would be like a world without bacon – pointless.
- If I met Jesus, I would totally let him blow me if he asked. God would see it and make me his sheriff… And then all haters would be sorry!
- When I’m funny enough to make the 100 leaderboard, I will stop blowing squirrels in the backyard, and instead do something with my life.
- Right now, my ball sack is so tight that if I shaved and polished it, I could see the reflection of the tears streaming down my face.
- Friends, please remember, when there is Twitter drama – there are also butterflies, fluffy puppies… chocolate… and beer. And beer.
- Tip: Don’t mess with black guys who have scars. You know they didn’t get them from falling off a skateboard.
- I have stumbled upon it on cable… but really, man-on-man would look more like an option if they both enjoyed the sports news – during.
