2011 – October 14 (World without bacon)

  • Titties without succulent nipples would be like a world without bacon – pointless.
  • If I met Jesus, I would totally let him blow me if he asked. God would see it and make me his sheriff… And then all haters would be sorry!
  • When I’m funny enough to make the 100 leaderboard, I will stop blowing squirrels in the backyard, and instead do something with my life.
  • Right now, my ball sack is so tight that if I shaved and polished it, I could see the reflection of the tears streaming down my face.
  • Friends, please remember, when there is Twitter drama – there are also butterflies, fluffy puppies… chocolate… and beer. And beer.
  • Tip: Don’t mess with black guys who have scars. You know they didn’t get them from falling off a skateboard.
  • I have stumbled upon it on cable… but really, man-on-man would look more like an option if they both enjoyed the sports news – during.
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