- I don’t want to be party-pooper but things were so much more fun around here when you were watching Glee. Yeah, we know who you are…
- Thank you! Your stars are like applause… for sitting naked by the computer for three straight days when my wife is on another continent.
- Twitter has taught me about queefs, blumpkins and facials. I think I will be the most understanding dad in history! Also, the creepiest.
- I can’t grow a beard like Chaz Bono but I have always been a man (except for that period in my teens when white shoes were cool). Ladies?
- 4 years since I worked for a multi-billion dollar company. I still have 23 of the 289 staplers I stole. I plan ahead! Who is hiring? DM me.
- iPhone 5’s voice-to-text feature auto-corrects “Horny enough to bang your mom!” to “Sorry to hear about your mom!” Useless for Twitter.
- I miss the olden times… Nowadays, when you ask “What the hell is this shit?” 9 out of 10 times, the answer will be “Maroon 5″.
- 7 days is my longest Twitter break ever. I got so much done! I swear to God, I think I annoyed close to 300 complete strangers – in person!
