- Found some really old weed… Now, listening to Enya and imagining myself breastfeeding a glow-in-the-dark baby unicorn back to health.
- “Is the Tooth Fairy real?” No… “Is God real?” No… “Is Santa real?” Absolutely… “I love you, dad!” See? Parenting is not that hard.
- Ladies, when at Walmart and you are shocked to find that it smells like an angel received his wings in there – just me! Picking up tampons.
- I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores.
- Teen fashion? Bah! Every morning I get it right with: “I bet she’s going to wear something rejected by an early 80s Bulgarian prostitute.”
