2012 – February 20 (Glow-in-the-dark baby unicorn)

  • Found some really old weed… Now, listening to Enya and imagining myself breastfeeding a glow-in-the-dark baby unicorn back to health.
  • “Is the Tooth Fairy real?” No… “Is God real?” No… “Is Santa real?” Absolutely… “I love you, dad!” See? Parenting is not that hard.
  • Ladies, when at Walmart and you are shocked to find that it smells like an angel received his wings in there – just me! Picking up tampons.
  • I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores.
  • Teen fashion? Bah! Every morning I get it right with: “I bet she’s going to wear something rejected by an early 80s Bulgarian prostitute.”
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