Advice: 16-year-old girl and I’m wondering if I’m ready for sex?

Dear Beerhaze,

I’m a 16-year-old girl and I’m wondering if I’m ready for sex? My boyfriend thinks I am. I’m not sure.

Dear Faucet At Noon,

No, you should be getting ready for school.

Listen, kid. Your mom and dad have socks and underwear in their drawers that are more than 16 years old. There are crap in boxes in your basement that haven’t been opened for 16 years… Your granddad had skin tags on his arse for 16 years before he had them removed.

16 is not even an age – it’s a slight passing of time. Besides: sex is sweaty, sticky and smelly, and you wouldn’t like it anyway. You could also end up pregnant and having to push out a baby the size of a suitcase. I don’t think you would enjoy that either…

Instead of emailing strangers: talk to your mom! If you can’t talk to your mom about it: you are probably not even mature enough to be trusted with your personal hygiene.

Boyfriends think with their nuts – they (boyfriends and nuts) are not rational.

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