Advice: Buy her a chastity belt or something?

Dear Beerhaze,

My best friend has a serious problem keeping her legs shut. Within the three days that she was staying at my house, she somehow managed to have sex with my neighbor, my cousin, and one of my friend who I thought was gay…

She was dumb enough to tell her parents about the escapades, who called her out on being a cheap, easy girl. I have told her straight to her face that she’s being a hoebag!

What kind of options do I have to stop her from doing this? I’m worried that she will contract a disease or end up pregnant.

Should I just buy her a chastity belt or something?

Dear Feather Snake,

The easiest way to slowdown stupid hoebags at home is to smear margarine on all door handles and knobs so they can’t get out. Adding a strong laxative to her breakfast cereal or tea in the morning will also dampen her confused spirit, and prevent her from doing any dirty gymnastics.

You could also sneak in to her room at night and empty a container of cottage cheese in her crotch. That should make her think when she wakes up in the morning.

It’s not easy living with hoebags… You have to keep them busy and thinking at all times! Buying her a chastity belt is expensive, as they have to be custom fitted – my wife’s still still slides up the crack of her ass when she plays Twister.

There are hoebag hobbies that you could introduce her too. Let her keep herself busy:

  1. Paint by numbers (prevented many accidental pregnancies in the 1950s).
  2. Playing the tambourine (used as a substitute for sex in the 1960s).
  3. Spirograph art (used with drugs, kept many hoebags busy in the 1970s).
  4. Needlepointing (helped prevent an all-out AIDS epidemic in the 1980s).
  5. Pilates (wore out a lot of out of shape women in the 1990s).
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