Advice: Can babies get nose jobs?

Dear Beerhaze,

My girlfriend and I have started talking about getting married and having kids. My problem is I’ve never told her that long before I met her I had a nose job to fix the great big ugly honker I was born with. I’m frightened to tell her and I feel so guilty. Although I know she loves me, I worry she might be frightened off by the prospect of having big-nosed children. The thought of having them really frightens me so I really-really worry how much it might bother her.

Is there anything that can be done about big noses on children? Can babies get nose jobs?

Dear Bat Scrotum,

Let me first start off by saying that nose jobs for babies are a most definite “no-no”. A nose will continue growing until a person is in his 20s, which makes it impossible to determine how a baby’s nose will develop. Kids will also run in to things, and they will get smacked for doing so, which makes it even more difficult to determine future nose shapes…

I wouldn’t worry about having big-nosed children at all. By the time they hit the age when they are ready to move out of the house, you will both be used to their looks. There are also so many benefits with a big nose on a child that it outweighs the “goofy look” factor, many times over!

I’m sure your girlfriend will be grateful for your children’s big honkers, as it will make both your lives so much easier:

  1. If you have ever tried to help a 4-year-old with a grape-sized nose blow his or her nose, you know that it’s almost impossible to get a good grip on it. A big honker will save you so much time, and Kleenexes, as it can be squeezed, twisted and turned with ease.
  2. Any parent who has lost a kid in a mall knows how difficult it can be to describe their little one to the service desk, as most kids under the age of seven look alike. But your kids will be unique! If they would ever get lost you should be able to get them back in no time at all as everyone notices big honkers, especially on children.
  3. You will never have the stress of finding your kids a scary, or funny costume for Halloween. With some paint, and a little bit of imagination, a huge nose can be turned in to almost anything!
  4. A big honker will mean huge nostrils… Do you have any idea how many kids shove peas, Lego and screws up their little noses? Most kids end up in the doctor’s office 2-3 times a year having something removed from up there. You will never have that problem if you keep them away from golf balls, small potatoes and granite drill bits.
  5. Toilet training your kids will be a piece of cake! Some kids simply can’t tell if they have “gone” or not… But you won’t have that problem with your little ones because a big nose will always be closer to everything!

There are of course other benefits but I don’t wish to spoil your parenthood experience…

Why not simply relax and enjoy it all?

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