Advice: Chances that my pregnancy is false?

Dear Beerhaze,

I have had a positive pregnancy test twice. What are the chances that my pregnancy is false?

Dear Meat Maker,

Hmmm… let’s see… I have to calculate the odds here…

Ok, I got it. There are a few numbers and results here:

  1. “Astronomical” - as the Pope being a virgin.
  2. “Miniscule” - as Tom Cruise having sex with a woman in the remainder of this decade.
  3. “Small” - as in George W. Bush brain and sack.
  4. “Tiny” - as a poodle being able to satisfy Kevin Spacey.
  5. “No” - sorry, it’s all I have…

You are destined to pass a new human through your birth canal. Wishful thinking does not change the very basic chemistry of pregnancy tests. Yeah, it would have been much cheaper if you had skipped that last Margarita, eh?

Your reaction is called an “after thunk” or an “oh, crap”. Don’t panic! The good news? You will give birth to a new human that has the world as its unshucked oyster, unless you screw him or her up of course. Try not to do that!

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