Advice: Does speed dating work?

Dear Beerhaze,

Does speed dating work? All things considering, the fee the people arranging these events ask for is insignificant. Cheaper than buying a new dress for a date at least! The cost is not an issue for me… However, wasting my time on the other hand is very much so.

I need a man right now! He needs to translate in to “husband and kids” very quickly (in a couple of months at most). Let’s face it; I am not getting any prettier!

I know it sounds desperate and pathetic but I do not have the time for another psychotic and failed relationship.

What is the quickest way for me to get a husband and kids?

Dear Jumping Train Muffin,

Wow, you really are in a rush aren’t you? What’s happening to you, were you bitten by a radioactive spider or something? Speed dating is just a way to meet many different people in a short time span. It is not a speed-pass down a wedding aisle… You do realize this, don’t you?

Instead of spending a couple of months looking for the right man – spend those months improving your attractiveness as a possible future wife:

  1. Learn how to deep throat a garden gnome.
  2. Practice keeping your mouth shut for the duration of a football game.
  3. Buy a liquor store (preferably a brewery).
  4. Become best friends with a bunch of hot strippers.
  5. Learn how to parallel park.
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