Advice: Girlfriend has had sex recently?

Dear Beerhaze,

I share a flat with my girlfriend and a buddy of mine. The other night when I got home late from work, I got this sneaking suspicion that the two of them have had sex. I don’t know what made me think that way but it did.

He is a good-looking, smooth-talking guy with a huge penis and I would never be able to compete with him. I can’t accuse them of anything, as I don’t have any proof, but I need to know! It’s driving me crazy!

Can you tell if your girlfriend has had sex recently?

Dear Space Ferret,

Yes, you can!

The telltale signs will vary depending on how long ago it happened:

  • 1-5 minutes: She will be sweaty, smelly and panting like a dog. She might also be naked and handcuffed to the bed.
  • 5-30 minutes: She will be flushed, in slight disarray and in an exceptionally good mood (especially if it lasted for more than five minutes). She might also be eating a baloney sandwich and drinking a root beer.
  • 30-60 minutes: She will be mellow and not nag about anything, not even when you use her fancy facial creams on your feet. She will probably also be whistling while writing herself a to-do list for the next day.

You also have a bonus tell, as your buddy is well-endowed: she will walk like John Wayne in a Western.

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