Advice: Goth beauty and fashion tips?


Dear Beerhaze,

Many cool kids in school are going Goth. Supposedly it’s the “in” thing to do. I’m thinking about trying it. The problem is that I don’t want to look lame…

Do you have any Goth beauty and fashion tips?

Dear Universal Scurvy,

More sheep are joining the Goth herds, eh? Oh, mercy… I would have though this fad had run its course already. Well, beauty is subjective, and clothes only become a “fashion statement” when you end up paying too much for them, but I will do my best:

  • Only wear black lipstick if you have perfectly white teeth, or you might be confused with a garbage eating raccoon, which isn’t Goth-cool. Orange is a great color to hide and disguise less than attractive teeth.
  • Earrings for Goth boys: (fruit) loops are “out”… Studs, bones or bird feathers are “in” again! Earrings for Goth girls: faux-religious imagery is “out”… Anything that’s not a choking hazard for your sugar daddy is “in”.
  • A straggly-dirty looking Goth hairdo might be a fashion statement and perhaps even interesting, but it’s too much if people can smell and taste you from across the street… Tip! Look around your parent’s basement for something called “shampoo”.
  • There is such a thing as “too many piercings”… When your grandma’s dog licks your face and gets stuck and has to be put down - lose a few of them!
  • Painting goofy patterns and symbols on your face was ruined by Kiss decades ago… And no: using other colors doesn’t make it any less lame. If you want to stand out: self-mutilation with the removal of a limb is the way to go.
  • Dressing in all black can be cool when done right… However, guys should never wear black underwear, as all real women know that it’s exclusively used to hide skidmarks and poor hygiene in general.
  • Goth tattoos? As always, misspelled and utterly confusing ones are the way to go. Ask a stoned friend or drunken tattoo artist for advice if you are not sure what to mess up!

Good luck!

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