Advice: How do I get a boyfriend?

Dear Beerhaze,

I’m a good-looking girl – tall, blond, nice boobs, tight, nice personality. I’m also sporty and fun. My friends say I could be a model or an actress. My only problem is that guys seem to be afraid of me. I have never had a real boyfriend! Even most of my ugly girlfriends have someone.

I have started to doubt myself! How do I get a boyfriend? Don’t tell me to crawl, as I’m not like that. I need real advice. I need a real boyfriend.

Dear Steaming Fruit Basket,

The problem is that you are full of shit and have a weak, at best, connection to the real world. Instead of swooning in front of a theme park silly mirror – live a little – screw a homeless person!

Why wouldn’t guys be afraid of you? You are a deranged and disillusioned nut job! I’m not sure if you need to be medicated or drunk at a trailer park corn roast. Getting naked in a meth den might also help you along.

Gaining some perspective is key!

I’m not sure what to think… You might be better off with Mr. Index Finger – your imaginary boyfriend. He will rarely let you down and he will always be there for you when you feel alone in this cold cruel world.

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