Advice: Ignoring my girlfriend’s vegetarian advances?

Dear Beerhaze,

My girlfriend is a vegetarian and I’m a meat eater. She has now started pushing and nagging me to become a vegetarian too. It’s the standard arguments: “health…”, “poor animals…” and “the environment…” etc.

Well, I can’t imagine giving up meat and blood – not even for the best sex on the planet! Her arguments are weak at best.

Am I right in ignoring my girlfriend’s vegetarian advances?

Dear Three-Wheels,

Yes, simply ignore her. She’s a vegetarian and therefore doesn’t function like a normal human being should. It’s not just her persona that gets lethargic in the afternoons and evenings – her brain is always spitting blanks from her sub-par diet. Sure, she might live longer than the average meat eater, but so do sea turtles… But who wants to live the life of a sea turtle?

If she simply buys her veggies in the grocery store: do you have any idea what kind of genetically manipulated, and herbicide and pesticide drenches vegetable you would be eating? Do you want to eat those Mexican chemicals?

Vegetarians in general are not sick and perverted people: it’s just that their rationale is sick and perverted. You can’t argue a point with vegetarians because they have smaller brains than meat eaters. It’s a well established medical fact that women’s brain are smaller than men’s… Now imagine a female vegetarian…

Eating meat is a primal urge that goes back tens of thousands of years to the time when our man-cestors first bit in to animal flesh. Meat was in fact the main catalyst for the evolution of mankind. Meat contains protein and minerals, which the brain needs to work properly. The introduction of meat in to our ancestor’s diet enabled brains to grow, and the species to evolve. It’s also not a coincidence that males have slightly larger brains than women – it’s the extra meat that the male hunters were able to eat over thousands of years of evolution!

I agree that her arguments for becoming a vegetarian are weak, especially the “poor animals” one – who cares? We are not going to cuddle with them: we are going to eat them!

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