Advice: Is flying really safer than driving?


Dear Beerhaze.

Is flying really safer than driving? My husband wants us to go to Hawaii for our 10 th. wedding anniversary but I’m afraid to fly. I was 14 the last and only time I was on an airplane!

We spent our honeymoon in Texas…

I would love to do this for him, and us, but I can’t see how.

Please help!

Dear Dripping Mayo,

You have every reason to be afraid! The lowest bidder manufactures any given airplane part… When one fails, it’s not as if you can pull over at the next truck stop and have a cheese burger while they install a new one.

No, flying isn’t safer than driving for the average well-adjusted individual. I know it sounds crazy to people that have fallen for this urban legend or for those who simply don’t think for themselves.

The safety theory has been concocted by, and been kept alive by, airline industry lobbyists and marketeers. They say they have overwhelming statistics that show flying to be safer. Well, I have cold, hard facts that show that the airline industry is full of crap!

Statistics are merely cherry-picked numbers from data you have paid to be prepared for you, or worse – data, poorly assembled by a dimwit government bureaucrat. In other words, statistics are merely numbers that you have massaged to fit your needs.

What if someone with a stellar intellect (like myself) looked at those airline industry numbers a bit closer?

Let’s find the underlying cause of the depraved and twisted airline safety numbers… How many people just like you and I, have actually died in automobile accidents? Sure, dumbasses die in car crashes… they die shaving and juggling too (and in airplanes without a fault of their own!)

You and I are not dumbasses, so many of the traffic accident deaths don’t apply to us… Why should they be part of a driving versus flying safety comparison? It doesn’t make any sense…

  • Assuming that you are the driver of the vehicle… If we drop passengers in automobile-related deaths, the death-stats go down by a whopping 63%!
  • Assuming that you are between 25-55 years old… or to put it bluntly, if we remove deaths by inexperience and dementia (and Lindsay Lohan-ism) from the equation, the deaths go down by another staggering 23%,
  • Assuming that you don’t drive while drunk or stoned, the deaths go down by another significant 6%!

Driving gets even safer if any or all of the following doesn’t apply to you either:

  1. Sex is a killer when driving at 90 mph, especially in a snowstorm… Watching smut on a handheld device with your pants around your ankles (and wrapped around the brake) borders on suicidal.
  2. Tuning in radio stations that play distracting (and needing to vomit out the side window) rap songs is not very smart…
  3. Changing pantyhose or lederhosen on the drive into work is not exactly brilliant…
  4. Shaving your head when you have lice, so that you don’t need to scratch and may keep at least one hand on the steering wheel is only sensible…
  5. Eating more than one greasy-arse McDonald’s breakfast while driving into work should be a ‘no-no’. Death by slippery steering wheel is more common than you might think…
  6. People that have IQs lower than 100 shouldn’t be driving in the first place…
  7. Smacking (making quiet) kids or grandparents in the backseat with your shoe, while driving, accounts for 10% of deaths during the vacation season…
  8. Driving with a deer or moose carcass strapped to the hood of your car reduces visibility. Even a child knows this! Still people drive off the road because they can’t see where they are going.
  9. Leaning out the window and giving the finger to every squeegee guy and beggar you see on the sidewalk is reckless driving…
  10. Giving yourself or a passenger or a sponge bath while driving on the freeway, especially in poor weather, just isn’t safe…
  11. Ducking when being targeted in a drive-by shooting should be an instinct. Unfortunately, stupid people lack many of them. As a shooter, you should know to lower your window before firing the gun, in order to prevent distracting glass from flying around in the car…
  12. Picking up hitchhikers is so 1970s… It’s not easy keeping your eyes on the road when a psychotic mass murderer is sharpening a chainsaw in the seat next to you…
  13. Keeping gasoline-filled milk cartoons in the trunk of your car is extremely dangerous if you ever get rear-ended. Survivors keep gasoline in the automobile’’s designated tank only…  
  14. Trying to cut off a battle tank or a Hummer driven by a housewife on her cell phone, will result in you ending up very flat and very dead…
  15. Wearing your goddamn prescription glasses while driving will keep you on the road and alive. Only Yoda can see and drive with his mind’s eye…

To sum it all up, if we take away all automobile related deaths involving dumbasses… we are left with one death – state of Alabama in 1958. Then again… if you are not from Alabama…

Driving is safer than flying!

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