Advice: Is the Loch Ness monster real?


Dear Beerhaze,

Is the Loch Ness monster real? Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, right?

Dear Majestic Troll Button,

Wrong… Where there’s smoke, there’s smacktard trying to use a toaster.

Ah, the Loch Ness monster… No, that particular monster is as real as outhouse gnomes, sock elves and turnip trolls. Sorry, if you wish to see real monsters – travel to Darfur!

Here’s an example of how all make-believe monster and creatures come “to be”. The story of the Loch Ness Monster, had it happened last summer…

The village idiot has to walk home from the neighbouring village pub because no one wants to give him a ride due to ghastly odours emitting from his persona. On the long walk back home to his own village, he will eventually have to take a leak… Yes, nature always comes calling at the darkest and spookiest part of Loch Ness for village idiots. It’s just the way it has been for hundreds of years…

While standing high up on a cliff with his pants around his ankles, and topping off the Loch, he imagines seeing all kinds of unholy monsters in the dark around him. In his drunken state, even and old log floating around in the water looks like the freakiest monster ever!

The rest of the way home is done in a vigorous-limping-village-idiot sprint… while the idiot finishes his business in the pants.

Once back in his own village, he will tell every feeble-minded friend he has, about the scary monster he saw in Loch Ness. They will of course believe him, as he was apparently so frightened by the experience that he both pissed and crapped himself!

The next night at the village pub, the authority idiot and his feeble-minded friends tell everyone about the Loch Ness Monster they have all seen… Of course, the stories get more vivid as the pints are downed.

Inevitably, the village idiot and his feeble-minded friends, and a random assortment of dumb-arses from the pub, plan a Loch Ness Monster scouting expedition. Unbeknownst to them, semi-intelligent pranksters put their own plan in motion… Some old crap from the back of sheds is hastily assembled in to a monster-like thingy, and dumped in to the Loch.

The village idiot, his feeble-minded friends and the random assortment of dumb-arses from the pub are all equally surprised to see a “monster” floating across Loch Ness. One of the lesser dumb-arses points out that the monster looks like a jumble of old lawn chairs and scrap wood tied together… Everyone, even the village idiot, quickly calls him an idiot.

Now everyone is talking because everyone knows someone who has seen the Loch Ness Monster! It’s the most exciting thing that has happened at Loch Ness since the butcher’s voluptuous daughter mysteriously contracted gonorrhea and had a virgin birth of mulatto triplets back in 1953.

The drunken monster stories spread like wildfire… Eventually a humourless d-list newspaper journalist comes along to investigate. It will of course be obvious to him, after spending 5 minutes with the village idiot, that it’s all a huge load of bull crap… The lame newspaper article is spruced up by his bored editor and is published. Now this “new” monster has reached the tipping-point and becomes the real deal because if it’s in an insignificant newspaper, it has to be true!

The published newspaper article gets lame-arse people from near and far excited… It’s picked up by a Spanish tabloid, but unfortunately, it’s translated by Pedro, whose English skills are at par with a slow-witted third-grader, and he distorts the story even further

Later, the story is translated from Spanish to Japanese… and reaches the upper stratosphere of absurdity. Of course, the Japanese send off a whacky minor cable news crew to film the monster. Once on the other-side of the planet, they find out that nobody has lost an arm and not one baby was actually eaten or maimed. However, money was spent getting there and they can’t go back empty-handed! Queue shoddy camera work of some ripples in the water, and some excited screaming by a young, big-breasted news reporter…

The Japanese film is picked up by nonsense TV stations across the globe, and eventually it ends up on YouTube, where a worldwide audience of smacktards drive up the views on the water ripples and the screaming news reporter.

Larry King on CNN drools himself through the YouTube video with the help of a hastily assembled monster expert panel, featuring ufologist, santaologist and tooth fairy scholars. CNN of course validates the ripple in the water as a “possibly real monster”.

Now tourists and sub par documentary filmmakers storm the sighting area… The locals see money pouring in from thousands of visiting smacktards. Souvenir trinket sellers, hotels, and restaurants see money pouring in like never before. The money is good!

Amateur historians find “references” and (drunken and unrelated stories) “eye witness reports” of monsters from hundreds of years ago; from a time where house gnomes were fact and bands of vicious elves roamed the woods molesting wildlife.

The prankster step forth and reveal their hoax… They are of course hushed down and threatened with beatings because the tourism money is too good to lose out on.

A “new” monster is born! American tourists don’t like the term monster because it frightens their children. Locals give the monster a cute nickname “Nessie” to please easily rattled smacktards. The local also figure that a cute nickname will look better on t-shirts and caps!

So to sum up my answer to your question: No, the Loch Ness Monster is bull crap!

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