Advice: Keep working as a stripper despite the peeing accidents?

Dear Beerhaze,

I’m an exotic dancer (read: stripper) in Montreal, Canada. I dance at the exclusive ******, and we are expected to spread our butt cheeks nicely for our VIP clientele when we dance. It’s house rule number one: spread your butt cheeks! We are famous for it, so I can’t just stop doing it. In fact, “the spread” has made our club the primary destination for Montreal hockey players.

The problem is that I sometimes have small peeing accidents when I spread my cheeks. I have tried eating and drinking very little before work but I still have accidents on occasion (often only two or three times per week). I also get dizzy and weak if I don’t eat or drink anything.

Customers don’t notice very often, and the ones that do (during lap dances), always leave without saying anything (and I do understand, as it’s a bit awkward) but the other girls are not happy with me, especially when I pee on a hockey player or some big-tipping celebrity.

The girls that follow me on stage are called “towels” (as if I had an accident again). Me peeing is not nervousness about being naked, as I have been doing this for almost 10 years (I still look good).

I can deal with the girls bitching by simply jabbing them in the kidneys or threatening to cut them, but I still haven’t figured out a solution for my random incontinence problem. I’m afraid that it will get worse and I don’t want to lose my job and the money.

How can I keep working as a stripper despite the peeing accidents?

Dear Butt Faucet,

You are suffering from what’s commonly referred to as ”stripper bladder” and it’s psychosomatic – it’s in your head… You subconsciously despise the clientele, which makes you angry and tense, which in turns weakens your bladder. Alternatively, you perform to Rick Astley or Ricky Martin music, which are well-known bowel and bladder irritants.

The only known solution for “stripper bladder” is to get stoned to the point where you don’t care on which planet you are. Yes, there are practical benefits to the old management saying, “A stoned stripper is a happy stripper”.

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