Advice: Lap dancing etiquette?

Dear Beerhaze,

I’m going gambling and partying in Las Vegas in the last week of November. I have never been before.

Any tips when it comes to strippers and lap dancing (etiquette)?

I would hate end up looking like an idiot so a few tips would be appreciated!

Dear Meat Balls,

There are written and unwritten rules… The written ones you can read up about at the strip club. I guess the unwritten ones could qualify as “etiquette”.

If you have an ounce of common sense – try to use it in order to avoid awkward moments and to blend in easily with other tourists and the regular clientele.

Lap dancing etiquette:

  1. Never, ever, compare her to other strippers, even if it only took you 4 seconds to realize that she isn’t very good… She doesn’t want to hear how much hotter the other girls are, and what they have done for you. You picked her: so, now you have to live with your choice for the rest of your 4 minutes and 56 seconds! Yes, a calm potentially diseased stripper is better than a crazed potentially diseased one.
  2. No stripper wants scratch marks and bruises after a lap dance: wear soft pants! Most strippers agree that khakis, corduroy and sweat pants are the most comfortable to grind up against. It’s also well established that metal-studded lederhosen are a definite ‘no-no’.
  3. Great strippers make a lot of money: so, don’t pay them in quarters, nickels and dimes. The more popular strippers wouldn’t be able to carry home their loot at the end of the night if everyone paid them in coins. Help them save their backs (they need them to lay on) by using bills only! Besides, dancing with a roll of quarters in your panties is extremely uncomfortable!
  4. Simply try to ignore accidental flatulence on her part (even though she is a vegetarian). There is no need to embarrass her with comments such as, “Good one!”, “Rock On!” and “Smokin’!” Give her the same courtesy as you would any other co-worker with whom you share a cubicle.
  5. Never try to help by clapping your hands if your lap-dancing stripper is too stoned to keep up with the beat of the music: it will just confuse her even more. Singing the lyrics is only acceptable if you know the words… There is one exception: Most strip clubs ban clientele who sing, whistle, and hum to Rick Astley songs.
  6. Never blow bubbles if you absolutely have to chew gum in a strip club. Accidents do happen and if you make a mess with your gum, the stripper might ask for extra cash for the time she will spend in the changing room, combing out gum from her crotch or the back of her head.
  7. It’s not necessary to tip a stripper after a lap dance, unless she also shared her roast beef sandwich with you, or if you accidentally sneezed on her. Sure, she might expect a little extra, but you already paid her more than a celebrity lawyer makes in the same time span. She’ll get over the fact that you weren’t dumb enough to tip her.
  8. There’s no need for smart remarks if a stripper tries to pull her skid-marked panties over your head. A simple, “Thanks… but no thanks!” and blaming an allergy of some sort is more polite and productive.
  9. Never call a stripper, “Hoe!”, “Bitch!” or “Slut!” unless of course, by a million-to-one chance, it actually happens to be her faux-stripper name. If you can’t pronounce a particular ethnic name, don’t even try! Your stay at the club will be short, if you call a stripper “Dragon Mammary” in her native language. When in doubt, call her ‘Miss’ or simply point to your wallet and grin like an imbecile.
  10. There is no need to smile and give the “thumbs-up” to patrons or employees of the club when a stripper is all over you. Always have in mind that one of the other guys at the club might be her meth-psychotic boyfriend.
  11. Accidents… If the stripper slips from your lap and knocks out teeth on a chair or table: please, don’t expect her to finish the whole set… It’s common practice to finish the song in progress when something unforeseeable happens (accident, stabbing, fire etc.)
  12. If you discover, after asking a stripper to dance for you, that she is in fact an ex-girlfriend (but now with a much bigger rack and tighter butt) that you have dumped: don’t cry! Simply go to the men’s room and bash your head against the wall like everyone else.
  13. Always keep in mind that strippers are strippers… They don’t work for NASA or teach elementary school English for a reason. Avoid using words containing more than three syllables if you absolutely have to communicate with a stripper. For God’s sake don’t string two complicated words together in the same sentence! The last thing you want is for her head to explode in your lap.
  14. Yes, you will see many grotesque, over-sized, poorly executed and most importantly, terribly misspelled tattoos in a strip club. Simply keep it to yourself if you happen to notice a messed up tattoo during a lap dance. Besides, most people who frequent strip joints can’t spell “wurld”, “mather”, “eggxellet” either. She doesn’t care about your language skills – only your wallet!
  15. Every year is “The Year of the Swine Flu” in a strip club. It can be difficult to distinguish the sounds of the after effects of cocaine snorting from the harking noises related to the H1N1 flu. Yes, for your own health benefit it is better to have a coked-up stripper, than one that is coming down with a horrible flu. You need to know the signs of a cocaine high:

Increased sense of energy and alertness – a stripper might unsuccessfully attempt to cartwheel over to your seat when you call her over. She might not even care that she broke her ankle and got a head laceration; she’ll still be happy once she makes it over to your wallet.

Extremely elevated mood – she happily shares great news from a her personal life: about an abusive boyfriend who is back in prison, improvements in her syphilis treatment, rescuing another seemibly abandoned kitten, rat, snake etc.

Feeling of supremacy – a stripper might mock you because you can’t name every country and capital in her imaginary world. She might also boast to you about the thousands of scarred bite marks on her back (even though you can only count 63 of them).

Good luck!

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