Advice: Tips for an office affair?

Dear Beerhaze,

One of the women at work wants to get it on with me, but in the office stock room only because she is married. I’m not the most experienced guy… Do you have any tips for an office affair?

Dear Bronze Slipper,

I do have some ideas on how to turn this encounter in to something you will cherish for the rest of your life…

  • Location: The stock room needs to be tidied. Sitting down on a staple gun is extremely painful, so is removing packing tape from a hairy back, and untangling paperclips from your pubes will make a grown man cry.
  • Timing: Early in the morning, or late in the afternoon will ensure that any food you have eaten is properly digested. You wouldn’t want to have a horrific accident. Nothing spoils the moment like explosive gas, or worse: an accidental bowel movement.
  • Clothing: Only wear things you can easily get in and out of quickly. A tux (even though appropriate) takes too long to get back on if you need to make a quick exit. Lederhosen on the other hand is a time-proven garment for encounters of this kind, and has been used successfully in parts of Europe for centuries.
  • Doggy style: Going at it like you want to push her head through the wall will look better if someone happens to walk in on you, as has been shown so many times in movies. You don’t want to end up looking like a sissy if you by a million-to-one chance get caugh in the act.
  • The deed: Focusing on something horrific, such as pink ponies being napalmed while snoozing in a beautiful pasture will make you last long enough to satisfy even the most demanding woman.

Good luck and all the best!

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