Advice: Toilet paper hang out in the front or in the back?

Dear Beerhaze,

Greetings from Wyoming!

I know my problem is very minor compared with those of others. Still, it causes significant friction in my home and I hope you can help. I believe that when the toilet paper is put on the holder the paper should hang over the front. My equally stubborn wife thinks it absolutely has to hang down behind the roll. If either of us finds it the “wrong” way we change it. This leads to the roll being changed several times a day. We frequently argue about what is the right way and those arguments are hurting our marriage.

We considered building a second washroom so we could each have our own but we can’t afford what it would cost. I offered to install a second holder in the washroom so we could each have our own properly hung roll. My wife poo-poo’d that idea saying it would still bother her having to see my “wrong” roll.

I have even considered installing an automatic toilet seat from Japan. It washes and dries your private parts without using any paper! Unfortunately the dryer would cost even more than building another washroom.

I’m hoping that you’ll have some advice that can save my marriage. Perhaps she’ll reconsider her position if she sees the opinion of someone else.

Should toilet paper hang out in the front or in the back?

Dear Hesitant Wiper,

I feel for you…

The sad thing is that toilet paper arguments destroy more marriages than affairs, beer and cheerleading competitions on cable TV combined! It doesn’t have to be that way!

Most men and woman with an above average intelligence will agree with you that the paper should hang over the front… Unfortunately, everyone is not blessed with the adequate number of brain cells to figure out problems such as this. Instead of mocking the feeble, we superior beings should take the time to explain the logic behind our arguments. Often all you need to do in order to change the opinions of the weak is to give real-life examples where your solution works better than their twisted idea.

I know it can be hard to explain the seemingly obvious, but after pondering your dilemma for 49 seconds, I came up with the following indisputable arguments for front-rolled toilet paper:

  • Physics of resistance: It’s much easier to snap toilet paper with the flick of a wrist when it’s front-rolled as there will be resistance when the paper is brought up to 63-degree angel. A back-rolled paper will have to turn for at least ¾ of a lap before reaching the snapping angle, but by that time the roll will have momentum, and will simply keep spinning.
  • Toilet art: Nothing is nastier than finding am offensive message written (or a “you are sitting on a bomb message”) on the paper after you have sat yourself down. At least with front-rolled paper you have a chance to catch it because it’s right there, but with back-rolled paper you don’t stand a chance – ever!
  • The fold: Has your wife ever stayed at a fancy hotel? After the cleaning ladies are done with your room they always fold your toilet paper in to a nice triangle in the front – yes, in the front! In many East European hotels they also place a nice piece of beef jerky in to the fold… How would that be possible if the paper went down the back?
  • Science: Ask your wife to show you a toilet paper holder with a built in toilet paper cutter that works with paper coming down the back…
  • Beauty: When you travel ouside Wyoming, she will discover that some toilet papers have designs on them. How are you supposed to see these designs if the paper hangs down behind the roll?

I’m sure my above points will help your wife see it your way but if she doesn’t, use a box of Kleenex instead! So much softer… and you can justify the extra cost by the fact that you are saving your marriage.

I wouldn’t bother with those fancy Japanese washer/dryer toilets. You can’t even sit down and have a nice fondue because the toilet’s compressed air will blow out the flame on the heater! I’m sure it will work nicely if you enjoy Sushi, but if a warm meal is a must on the john… Nah, forget about it.

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