Advice: Use science to prove that angels do not exist?

Deer Beerhaze,

I’m a catholic but I’m not religious. My problem with the church is that it hasn’t evolved with the times. It’s not the dark ages any longer and we have science. It’s embarrassing going to church because everyone seems so ignorant, or simply pretend to believe the nonsense fed by clerics.

My mother for instance is convinced that there are angels helping her through life. She claims to see them when she needs them (with wings, halos and white garbs and all). Why would angels bother to show up when she needs to make her strawberry jam? It does not make any sense!

I believe in science…

Is it possible to use science to prove that angels do not exist?

Dear Rising Sprat,

Some people believe in leprechauns, mud monsters, pixies, gnomes and tree spirits… It doesn’t make them real. They merely live in the minds of bored and weak-minded people. The belief in pixies and gnomes has been around longer than the concept of angels. It took a couple of thousand years for people to drop the notion of European fairytale creatures.

Angels are relatively new fairytale creatures and people are becoming dumber and dumber due to TV and Hollywood movies… I’m afraid you have to be patient for a while longer with people who see or believe in angels. If you look at these people as mentally challenged, or slow people, I’m sure you will be able to be a bit more patient with their nonsensical jabbering.

It’s impossible to use science to show that people are bored and too soft in the head – some lemurs still think they see Elvis in real-life and on their burnt toasts! As for the mechanics and science of a supposedly functional Angel doesn’t take much work to break down:

Even if the average angel only weighs 100 lbs., it would require a lot of horsepower for him or her to reach any kind of serious height or speed in flight. Especially when you consider that one horsepower is defined as 500 ft.-lbs. per second, which is close to the power needed to lift 550 pounds one foot off the ground in exactly one second.

I gather than an average feathered angel has a wingspan of about 8 feet. When you add drag (air resistance) from the wings themselves and especially from the big dress that they all wear into the equation, it’s starting to get seriously ridiculous… In addition, any reference to angels that I have ever seen, have them flying more than one foot off the ground and for more than one second.

Feeding data such as weight, wingspan, and aerodynamics into a flight model shows that those wings have to flap at a minimum of 5500 – 7500 beats per second. That’s more than hundred times than what’s required to keep a Ruby-throated Hummingbird hovering!

Clearly, guardian angels have to fly faster than a hummingbird but to keep it simple when it comes to the math:

  1. 5500 – 7500 beats per second of 8 ft. wings to keep a 100 lbs. angel hovering requires roughly one horsepower per beat! Around 6000 horsepower to keep an angel hovering!
  2. 1 horsepower (550 ft-lb/s) = 745.7 watts (an angel needs to generate 6000 horsepower = 4474200 watts!
  3. 251.996 calories is physically equal to 0.293071 watt hour (an angel needs 4474200 watt hour = 3847124086 calories to fly for one hour!)
  4. One medium-sized banana contains around 100 calories (3,847,124,086 calories are needed to keep an angel flying for 1 hour = 38,471,240 bananas per hour!)
  5. 384,712,40 bananas per hour = 641,187 bananas per second!

Really, no one (not even Rosie O’Donnell or Oprah Winfrey) can chew and swallow bananas that fast – thus science proves that angels can’t possibly exist.

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