Advice: What is the perfect woman?

Dear Beerhaze,

What is the perfect woman? How do I find her and make her my wife?

Dear Club Finger,

Is there really such a thing as a perfect woman? The notion that “nobody is perfect” holds true, I believe. It comes down to personal preference, your options, and how desperate you are (and how desperately she wants to become a wife).

For me personally, I think the (possibly) perfect women would ask me questions like this:

  1. Are my boobs too big?
  2. Should I carry in another keg of beer from the garage?
  3. I’m tired of threesomes with my friend… Can we please also invite my sister?
  4. Do you mind if I cover myself in baby oil while I wait for the hockey game to be over?
  5. Can’t we just skip my mom’s funeral and have a steak dinner instead?
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