Advice: What signs should I be looking for in a cheating husband?

Dear Beerhaze.

What signs should I be looking for in a cheating husband?

My husband has been acting strange lately. Odd phone calls in the evening and his mood swing are completely irrational!

Something is definitely going on! The girlfriends all agree that he is cheating on me!

Dear Nervous Air Bender,

Men are not overly sneaky… You should easily be able to pick out the most obvious signs of cheating.

Forget old ideas of new clothes (outside and in), perfume smells, lipstick on the shirt collar, weird work hours and trips, new hobbies and exercising etc. They don’t work any more as all cheating husbands are aware of them now (thanks to cheating women).

You have to look for involuntary and accidental words and actions!

A few obvious signs of a cheating husband:

  1. When grocery shopping, your husband will occasionally “zone out” and lovingly fondle a cantaloupe, grapefruit or melon (or a carrot, cucumber or zucchini…) all while having a mischievous smile on his face.
  2. He might say or scream odd things in his sleep: “My sister taught me that!” -”My mom bought it for me!” – “The lady at the grocery store did that to me!” -”My hair dresser must have nicked it by accident!” – “The waitress must have shaved my pubes when I dozed off while having a latte the other day!”
  3. Your bed’s headboard is getting more and more claw marks on it, even though you keep your nails short, and you don’t own a cat, dog and koala.
  4. He might accidentally call you by the wrong name (e.g. Rita Angelita-Rosa Lopez) or nickname (e.g. My tiny little Mexican taco).
  5. After not seeing you for a week, you husband might ask what happened to all your piercings and tattoos (even though you never had any…)
  6. For Christmas your husband promises to buy you a fur coat, but when you open the box you find a present that doesn’t make any sense at all: a rubber outfit, adult diapers, whips and a gas mask… and he explains it away as a “mix-up at the store” and promises to have them exchanged, if he can.
  7. Your neighbours might all of a sudden start pointing at you, and whispering behind your back. Some might even give you a thumbs-up, applaud, or discreetly ask if you charge by the hour.And more: Waiters at your favourite restaurant will high-five him, or ask for his autograph – He finds the remote without having to call the front desk in a motel he has never stayed in before – In all the bars, the bartenders insist on calling you guys “Mr. Smith” and “Rita Angelita-Rosa Lopez” – Sales clerks in jewellery stores make a “ka-ching” sound in unison when he walks in.
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